Opportunity #1.
It has the option to try and break us. We could be swept up in the undertow of realizing a year
has transpired since we last saw her face or heard her laugh. We could be knocked unconscious with grief.
We could forget that we have already survived this tragedy and throw ourselves into the past,
reliving every second of everyday we had with her as if it was our current reality. We could feel
the panic,
the terror,
the restlessness,
the disbelief,
the rage,
the turmoil,
and even the sparks of hope that always seemed to be extinguished before they could grow.
We could feel all of this...except this time always knowing that we never get to bring her home.
We could hold tight to the aching and the pain because it is the feeling we connect to our last times holding her hands or kissing her forehead.
We could look at pictures of her and dare them to come to life; watch home movies and beg them to welcome us into their video taped world.
We could become hermits, hating to interact with people who do not share our broken perspective because we cannot relate to how their life is not in pieces, and how their world keeps spinning.
Worst of all, out of all the things we could do, we could begin to believe she's truly no longer here.
As twisted as it is, the appeal to surrender to sadness is stronger than you could imagine.
But! There is Opportunity #2.
This month could be our testimony as we revel in the divinity of the woman who was just too big a part of God to stay "just a woman" anymore.
We could recognize that it doesn't feel like a year since we've seen her because we feel her everyday. She laughs with us (and at us) and points out fun, and joy, and favor wherever we are open-minded enough to see it. And even though she knows we'll cry like newborns, she coos to us memories that are so horribly, terribly, unbearably sweet that we are forced to exclaim:
"You were real. We were real. What we shared really existed...and it was magnificent!"
We could get caught up in how our quality of life has increased in the past year, how money and work no longer rule our days, but instead how we now have freedom and time to enjoy ourselves and the things we choose to do.We could recognize we are healthier now and take care of ourselves in ways we didn't care to before.
We each now thrive in a new understanding where we take nothing for granted and praise God for everything.
We could grow stronger as we stop fighting against moving forward.
No longer under the false impression that she only lives in the past, we are now guided to the truth that she is far more alive in the now.
Surprise, surprise but I am in favor of Opportunity #2.
If we could stop believing this happened to us, as if we were being punished or abandoned, and start thanking God this happened for us, we could move into a greater peace. Ain't nothin, and yes I said "ain't nothin," going to stop us from missing the physical presence of God with blonde dreadlocks and twinkling hazel eyes, but we do not have to miss out on the immortal companionship offered to us in exchange. This situation was destined, and from it we each were granted the chance to either turn away or be drawn closer to the creator that graced us with the object of our affection. I choose to draw closer, because while I find surrendering to sadness very tempting, and sometimes I will indulge, I find being close to my creator the best way to feel close to her these days. They are simply one in the same now.
They are Love.They are Free. They are Joyous. They are Hope. They are Real.
So to my family, know that I love you, and respect whatever you choose to do to get through the next month, but please remember that you do have a choice. The waves of the aching and pain may wash over you but you don't have to go swimming in it. Stay a float... because there is more to be learned from this than heartache. Believe me, if I can have the courage to write these words it is only because their is more greatness to come. "It ain't over til it's over," I so clearly remember us declaring a year ago, and even now I whisper it to myself. Take some time to thank the creator for the infinite love he sculpted us from, and regardless of what you believe it is a proven fact that, once existing, energy cannot be created nor destroyed. So life might not be how it use to be, but everything we had is still here.
Oh look, a butterfly.....
