Kingdom of Love

I knew then that I had been like a Holy book to him. My pages pouring with redemption; with acceptance; with mercy. Every gaze into my face offered the reflection of all he was and could be, but was not prepared to become. My confidence in him made him uncomfortable. The unconditional love I prided myself in providing was too heavy of a weight. I was a temple he walked away from; a safe place he refused to rest. Precious beyond explanation and intentionally naive so that I could withstand his resistant love.

"Why give something like me to someone like him?" I asked, almost empty of tears.

"Because that's how my shepherds learn that they are Kings. Through currents of love that take the shape of sweet-faced girls that give them courage, even when they themselves don't understand the depths of their worth."

"I understand that Father, and I am proud of the work I've done. But how do ladies of the water discover their Queedom once Kings have come and gone?"

Silence... and then Father spoke warmly into my heart.

"My precious one, if you know of your Queendom, what is there left to discover? Who is fit to lead you to you other than yourself? If you could learn to have loved him without fault, you possess every necessary skill to covet your own love; your own divine power. You are my vessel, and I have created you with authority over the waters you travel. Let no man, neither shepherd nor King, detain you from your thrown."

And just like that I allowed the shepherd to be his own King, and I gained infinite access to my  rightful place in the temple I thought I built for someone else.

This Kingdom of love I have built was built for me.

Long Live Rhonda Kay!

This upcoming month has the opportunity to do one of two things for my family.

Opportunity #1.
It has the option to try and break us. We could be swept up in the undertow of realizing a year
has transpired since we last saw her face or heard her laugh. We could be knocked unconscious with grief.
We could forget that we have already survived this tragedy and throw ourselves into the past,
reliving every second of everyday we had with her as if it was our current reality. We could feel
the panic,
the terror,
the restlessness,
the disbelief,
the rage,
the turmoil,
and even the sparks of hope that always seemed to be extinguished before they could grow.
We could feel all of this...except this time always knowing that we never get to bring her home.
We could hold tight to the aching and the pain because it is the feeling we connect to our last times holding her hands or kissing her forehead.
We could look at pictures of her and dare them to come to life; watch home movies and beg them to welcome us into their video taped world.
We could become hermits, hating to interact with people who do not share our broken perspective because we cannot relate to how their life is not in pieces, and how their world keeps spinning.
Worst of all, out of all the things we could do, we could begin to believe she's truly no longer here.

As twisted as it is, the appeal to surrender to sadness is stronger than you could imagine.

But! There is Opportunity #2.

This month could be our testimony as we revel in the divinity of the woman who was just too big a part of God to stay "just a woman" anymore.
We could recognize that it doesn't feel like a year since we've seen her because we feel her everyday. She laughs with us (and at us) and points out fun, and joy, and favor wherever we are open-minded enough to see it. And even though she knows we'll cry like newborns, she coos to us memories that are so horribly, terribly, unbearably sweet that we are forced to exclaim:

"You were real. We were real. What we shared really existed...and it was magnificent!"

We could get caught up in how our quality of life has increased in the past year, how money and work no longer rule our days, but instead how we now have freedom and time to enjoy ourselves and the things we choose to do.
We could recognize we are healthier now and take care of ourselves in ways we didn't care to before.
We each now thrive in a new understanding where we take nothing for granted and praise God for everything.
We could grow stronger as we stop fighting against moving forward.
No longer under the false impression that she only lives in the past, we are now guided to the truth that she is far more alive in the now.

Surprise, surprise but I am in favor of Opportunity #2.
If we could stop believing this happened to us, as if we were being punished or abandoned, and start thanking God this happened for us, we could move into a greater peace. Ain't nothin, and yes I said "ain't nothin," going to stop us from missing the physical presence of God with blonde dreadlocks and twinkling hazel eyes, but we do not have to miss out on the immortal companionship offered to us in exchange. This situation was destined, and from it we each were granted the chance to either turn away or be drawn closer to the creator that graced us with the object of our affection. I choose to draw closer, because while I find surrendering to sadness very tempting, and sometimes I will indulge, I find being close to my creator the best way to feel close to her these days. They are simply one in the same now.

They are Love.They are Free. They are Joyous. They are Hope. They are Real. 

So to my family, know that I love you, and respect whatever you choose to do to get through the next month, but please remember that you do have a choice. The waves of the aching and pain may wash over you but you don't have to go swimming in it. Stay a float... because there is more to be learned from this than heartache. Believe me, if I can have the courage to write these words it is only because their is more greatness to come. "It ain't over til it's over," I so clearly remember us declaring a year ago, and even now I whisper it to myself. Take some time to thank the creator for the infinite love he sculpted us from, and regardless of what you believe it is a proven fact that, once existing, energy cannot be created nor destroyed. So life might not be how it use to be, but everything we had is still here.

Oh look, a butterfly.....

A look at my personal life...

I'm a 23 year old, afrocentric, spiritually inclined ball of laughter, passion, and warmth. I'm intellectual when I feel like it but most of the time I like to say what I feel or have experienced, not what I've learned. I've found I sound smarter when I speak from my feelings anyways. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls in love mid-conversation and who can predict her own demise just after the first kiss goodnight. I'm exceptionally sensitive and am growing to no longer see that as a stereotypical weakness, but a pillar of strength that makes me capable of feeling everything and still recovering in order to feel it again tomorrow. I do not know how to give up. I only know how to change directions. This scares me about myself because if given something or someone I am passionate about that is not passionate about me, my inability to walk away can and has led to self-destruction and year long periods of reconstruction. I just don't have the time for that nowadays though. I can be emotional but I'm not selfish enough to be reckless with my feelings, as that would oppress those around me and I have no patience for dragging others down. I'm the "suffer in silence" type, and find a quiet satisfaction in knowing outside I look sturdy (as I am) but inside I'm quaking (as I do). I've seen ugly things, said ugly things, and behaved in ugly ways but I'm made up of beauty and return to that origin just as a phoenix rises from ash. I'm in love with nature and music and art and any other depiction of design and creativity whether by God himself or by him filtering through us. If I could explore space or the depths of the ocean I would choose the ocean as I feel the calm of water is just a step away from the calm of eternal rest, and I enjoy my R & R. I am aware true aging is a mental thing but have felt since 3 years old that I was an old woman replaying physical life right before I became metaphysical again. I long for children of my own and know the caliber of nurture I possess but refuse to procreate until I've found a mate with the same consciousness. I know I could do it alone, but I just don't want to. I think on how little I know quite often and find comfort in this because if I knew everything I would find this world a very dreary place. I hold my own hand sometimes because I miss my mother and get annoyed by how she is always in the front of my mind but not in front of my eyes. I think that I am a small strand in a grand tapestry that once I've returned to expansion I hope I get a birds eye view of. I get tired but have trouble sleeping and when I do sleep I find I wake up every hour on the hour after 5am. There is not much I do not feel can't be cured by the affection of a person you love and desire and I get annoyed there is not said person in my life yet, as this equals plenty of discomfort. I am aware self fulfillment and thankfulness will set you free so I write to find the good in me and to remember where I found it at. I congratulate myself on the accomplishment of making it these 23 years, 2 months,  and 4 days without surrendering to darkness. It has always been an option but I love sunshine too much to even flirt with the thought. 
When you look at me you see one thing, and who in God almighty knows what that is, but if you were to wear my skin and slip into my spirit you would know what exploration of the human experience feels like when you recognize you're a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.
Every ache, pain, laugh, smile, accomplishment, victory, failure, and loss is subjective. I am on a journey to see the good in all of it...and ironically I have noticed that by the time I have time to analyze the "good" or the "bad", it is actually time to move on.

A look at my personal life...

I'm a 23 year old, afrocentric, spiritually inclined ball of laughter, passion, and warmth. I'm intellectual when I feel like it but most of the time I like to say what I feel or have experienced, not what I've learned. I've found I sound smarter when I speak from my feelings anyways. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls in love in mid conversation and who can predict my own demise just after the first kiss goodnight. I'm exceptionally sensitive and am growing to no longer see that as a stereotypical weakness, but a pillar of strength that makes me capable of feeling everything and still recovering in order to feel it again tomorrow. I do not know how to give up. I only know how to change directions. This scares me about myself because if given something or someone I am passionate about that is not passionate about me, my inability to walk away can and has led to self destruction and year long periods of reconstruction. I just don't have the time for that nowadays though. I can be emotional but I'm not selfish enough to be reckless with my feelings, as that would oppress those around me and I have no patience for dragging others down. I'm the "suffer in silence" type, and find a quiet satisfaction in knowing outside I look sturdy (as I am) but inside I'm quaking (as I do). I've seen ugly things, said ugly things, and behaved in ugly ways but I'm made up of beauty and return to that origin just as a phoenix rises from ash. I'm in love with nature and music and art and any other depiction of design and creativity whether by God himself or by him filtering through us. If I could explore space or the depths of the ocean I would choose the ocean as I feel the calm of water is just a step before eternal rest and I enjoy my R & R. I am aware true aging is a mental thing but have felt since 3 years old that I was an old woman replaying physical life right before I became metaphysical again. I long for children of my own and know the caliber of nurture I possess but refuse to procreate until I've found a mate with the same consciousness. I know I could do it alone, but I just don't want to. I think on how little I know quite often and find comfort in it as if I knew everything I would find this world a very dreary place. I hold my own hand sometimes because I miss my mother and get annoyed by how she is always in the front of my mind but not in front of my eyes. I think that I'm a small strand in a grand tapestry that once I've returned to expansion I hope I get a birds eye view of. I get tired but have trouble sleeping and when I do sleep I find I wake up every hour on the hour after 5am. There is not much I do not feel can't be cured by the affection of a person you love and desire and I am annoyed there is not that person in my life yet, as this equals plenty of discomfort. I am aware self fulfillment and thankfulness will set you free so I write to find the good in me and to remember where I found it at so I can congratulate myself on the accomplishment of making it these 23 years, 2 months,  and 4 days without surrendering to darkness.
When you look at me you see one thing, and who in God almighty knows what that is, but if you were to wear my skin and slip into my spirit you would know what exploration of the human experience feels like when you recognize you're a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.
Every ache, pain, laugh, smile, accomplishment, victory, failure, and loss is subjective. I am on the journey to see the good in it and see that by the time I have time to analyze, it is actually time to move on.

Interview with an Entity

This time around my name is Rachel.
It wasn’t always Rachel, but I do like the way it sounds.
Rachel...
It means something to someone, and now I guess that someone is me.
I can’t quite remember my real name,
probably because it’s not made up of your words and your letters.
The most precise way to translate it is to compare it to the sound of a heart felt promise made, the smell of a newborn baby’s skin, and the feeling of sunbeams hitting a cold surface. Now say it with me "                 ."
Yeah, I didn’t think you’d be able to pronounce it either.
This time...I have brown skin, and long legs, and slanted almondy eyes and these really round cheeks that people really seem to like.
And based off what is considered attractive in the community I have adapted to, I am apparently nice to look at.
A little on the tall side.
A little on the awkward side.
A little on the jiggly side, but nice to look at and especially pleasant to hold.
I am very soft.
I've gotten to do a lot of fun stuff here so far.
Little purposeful missions have been accomplished throughout these…years? That’s what you call them, right? Years?
But I think my job this time around in a nutshell is to love.
I know it to be the easiest thing to do, I mean it is my very make up, but for some reason it seems complicated to do here.
I think it’s kind of like what you’d call a riddle; something that the answer is very obvious to, but you have to find your way to it.
So that’s what I’m doing.
I am finding my way back to it.
See what’s frustrating is knowing I already know the answers but not being able to fit them in here (points to self) because I’m stuffed full of…feelings.
Apparently it is my purpose to relearn some concepts; not to run through this opportunity as some almighty know-it-all (which is exactly what I am).
See I have these feelings…that come in waves.
No one feeling lasts that long, but gracious are they distracting from remembering what I’d like to!
Some of them feel what you like to call “good”, whatever that is,
and others feel not so good; I hear you call that “feeling bad” here.
But I know each feeling serves a purpose. It teaches something.
Not all of you seem to know that though.
I’m kind of just trying to figure out when the “bad” feelings come, where do they originate from.
And so far it seems to only happen if I am doubtful of myself or the balance of things, which makes no sense to ever do or be and yet I seem to do it anyways.
Also if I think too much about what was before right now or what will happen after right now, (really trivial thoughts), I can conjure up the not so good feelings then too.
I try not to do this... but this brain of mine seems very untamed.
It feels wired as if to focus only on what I do not have or what does not feel good instead of the beauty of the opposite.
I really just became aware enough to notice this genetic flaw and have been over compensating with optimism the best I can.
It can be difficult though,
because for some reason in this human form… feeling “bad” sometimes feels “good.”
Twisted...don't you think?
I am definitely a work in progress.
I am not quite sure how long I’m going to be this type of work in this type of progress but as long as I’m here I will do my best to make it fun.
I get nervous about returning, though excited to get back to effortless existing.
Nervous to leave all the work I have invested into this flesh-like vehicle.
Excited to be entirely and completely one with all there is and not be distracted with the illusion of separation or time and space.
Excited, nervous, good, bad? See… there goes those feelings again.
Speaking of feelings…I miss my counterpart.
The one that brought me forth but has gone on before me.
Even though from what I can still sense of the nonphysical realm she is absolutely elated to have returned back and is very encouraging of my continued journey through physicality.
The thing is... most of my comfort here was found in her companionship as we found our way together, and the absence of her physically is making it difficult for me to function.
Sometimes this body of mine shuts down altogether at the illusion that’s she’s really away forever, and sometimes I feel pleased and hope to not start back up.
It is bizarre being human.
Though I know that all is well, all is as it should be, and that there is nothing that is truly tragic except not appreciating the present, I still feel… broken at times. Lately many times.
It does not feel good.
I hope to outgrow this but I am still learning what all my human capabilities are.
Others tell me time will heal me, but that does not console me as I do not fully accept your time/space reality anyways.
I think it’s kind of stupid really, but I know I only think that because I cannot remember exactly why I chose to come here.
Maybe if I could dump out some of these feelings and just remember a little bit more I could figure this out and be more satisfied instead of feeling so lost.
Do not get me wrong, though. Being given the opportunity to be here and learn with you is incredible.
I do not take it for granted, not at all.
I just wish we could incorporate more concepts from the truth of our origin instead of making up a lot of the nonsense we do.
I can tell you one thing, the reason why this “struggle” I hear you speak of so often is so prevalent is because you give it spoken power.
You idolize and take some type of backwards pride in it, instead of having an understanding that there is enough of what every single existence needs to be happy and prosperous right here. Right now.
Your greatest resource is your relationship with the greater part of yourself, because as you appreciate it and converse with it on things you'd like to have, it will provide them.
There is never any true lack of anything because there is always perfect balance.
There is no drought.
There are no recessions.
There is no war.
They are made-up pons in your attempt to act out some strange game of good and evil.
There is no truth to them though, and you would see that the second you accepted that judgments of what’s good and what’s bad, what’s fair and what’s unfair, do you no good.
They give you a false sense of security.
They give you no protection.
I can feel you resonate with what I’m saying, though it makes you uncomfortable to think in this way.
It’s been a long time since you’ve remembered some of these things… I get it.
Thinking of them now will feel distorted and upsetting at first, but don’t get bothered by it.
If you could overcome fitting everything you were into a frame with only 5 senses, 2 legs, 2 arms, and 1 brain…you can learn to transcend your frame and grow back into everything.

But I’m sorry for getting ahead of myself… What was your question again?
Oh, right… Who am I?
Well
I am… that I am.
But for this present moment, you can call me Rachel.

Ode to Bittie

Flesh of my flesh,
blood of my blood.
Where are you?
I gaze helplessly into a mirror which tells me I am yours,
it tells me my skin, my eyes, the texture of my hair the rhythm of my heart beat, was created in your womb,
and yet I cannot find the comfort of your bosom as I have all my years.
Where might you be resting?
My brother says it's as if you are in your room, tucked away safely just preoccupied and knowing we are well enough that we do not need your direct attention.
But mama, direct attention from you feels like a need equal to air, food, and water.
You yourself are shelter, and this storm is being weathered but not the way I wanted.
Sometimes I still hear you laugh; it bounces off the walls of my brain, the brain I no longer trust as I can't bounce ideas off of yours.
My heart still pounds in rhythm but the blues of it all makes a somber beat.
Can't you just come down from your room?
Can't you hold my hand once more or laugh at daddy's corny jokes?
Come hold your Naomi tight in your arms and sit in the grass and swap silent stories of life before here and after.
Come inhale the smell of new skin off your grandsons neck, oh how he looks just like you; the genetics of your joy tangled into his laughter, he's a happy boy just as you knew he would be.
And we somehow are still a happy family, still celebrating and grieving together as you would have asked us to, but oh mama how I wish you yourself could comfort us.
I touch my fingers to my wrist and feel a pulse, but just as I don't understand how blood still runs through my veins, I don't quite grasp how you no longer will come around that hallway corner and beam at me as you have so many times before.
"Sadie..." floating from your smiling mouth, as you always were smiling at me.
No one said my name like you, mama.
Sometimes I get frustrated, mostly when I realize I am moving on, moving away from the life that you were apart of and into a life where you are a story I must tell.
Guilt wraps me up, and I know you taught me better, you taught me not to resist change, but how can I teach myself to be okay with letting you melt into history...
when it still takes me seven seconds every morning when awakening to recognize you are no longer present.
I do not mean to whine, mama, for you did not raise me to moan at my circumstances, but this weight gets so exhausting, and it feels incorrectly placed.
I would go so far as to say this is just not fair, but I recognize clearly that there is no good or bad, fair or unfair. There just is.
And so I will let what is, be.
I have gotten tired many times this year, but never given up, and I believe the worst is over so I just must maintain.
No you will not be coming down from your room, but as long as I can still hear you humming I will sing a long with you.

"If I had words, to make a day for you

I'd sing you a morning golden and true...."

And though you are of no need for physical things like hearts and brains, mine still are synced to yours and often I feel your beats and vibrations and dance to the joys you send my way.
I will hold my own hand, clasping them in front of me as I thank God for loving me in so much greatness it can only be measured in increments of you.
I will share the corniest jokes with daddy and kiss his sweet face so you can whisper through the echo of our laughter that joy is beginning again for him.
Naomi and I will pick up your wordless discussions and look to the sky smiling when the winds rustle through our hair.
Isaiah and I will laugh for no reason, as I stare into his warm hazel eyes, and I see you staring back at me.
We are going to be okay, mama. Just as you trusted we would be.
I just ask you to help remind me on days where breathing feels like an option I would like not to have.
Remind me of how brave we are, and how there is always something worth celebrating, and how physical fun need not be looked back on, but enjoyed now.
And so now I close my eyes and listen to birds sing, I taste my food with greater enjoyment, I smell every flower I can get to, and I touch everything I can get my hands on.
I like keeping my eyes closed though, because that is when I can see you best. For who you were as well as for you are. Smiling, laughing, loving, praising.
Oh mama, please understand I see and feel you absolutely everywhere,
but I will never stop missing that pretty face you use to wear.


This is not a mournful poem...it's an honest confession of a daughter who misses her mother as she once knew her. But honestly I know exactly where my mama is...she's simply wherever I am.

Self Preservation is Simply not Selfish

     For those who love to travel as I do, you may recall the safety speech reviewed by flight attendants before take off. It tells you the do's and don'ts to prepare you for the worst while giving you the best chance at survival. My favorite part of the speech is when they say "if your oxygen mask should dispense, please safely but firmly attach it to your face before assisting the person next to you." And me personally? Well I think this advice can be taken from this context and put into any situation regarding survival of hard situations with others. How could you ever possibly assist someone else if you have yet to make sure you have what you need? You can't, and you may endanger yourself trying to do so in the process.

    Now of course when you are a parent or a spouse, this firm idea has to bend because you have tied your life to or given life to someone else who you have a partnership or bond with, but that still does not excuse not giving yourself the necessary time to recharge and build yourself back up. I see it most with women, as we have those nurturing genetics advising us to willingly sacrifice ourselves for the good of the tribe at a moments notice. Just because we have evolved to this point does not change the cave woman instinct to "put ourselves last," and if anything it is more dangerous because we do not often recognize our instinctual drive behind the behavior. Men do it too, though. Dedicated husbands and fathers will work themselves ragged to make sure the family is secure and provided for, all the while, they deteriorate away because they have not replenished themselves. It becomes entirely too easy to find yourself running on E; and worst, we have learned to take pride in this sacrifice, deeming it real love. What? My love can only be real if I am uncomfortable, neglected, starved, or sleep deprived? I would highly disagree.

     We as people must learn that of course there is beauty and goodness in giving, but that we must first give inwardly before dividing ourselves outwardly. Emotionally, spiritually and physically it is of the utmost importance to make sure before you give it all away, you give your best to you. By doing so, you can multiply the gift of giving because when you have replenished yourself you have more energy and greater abilities in your service towards others. Is it noble to give your last dime to someone? Of course, because your heart is big and your intentions are selfless. But it is also noble to save that dime, add to it and then teach others how to do the same for themselves. Do not just feed people, teach them to provide for themselves. The worst thing you could ever do for someone you care for is something they need to do for themselves. As you recharge your batteries, direct them on how to recharge theirs so you can collaborate your blessings and not be dependent on someone else's "last."

    There is nothing wrong with helping and giving to those we care for. It is beautiful and what we are here for. But there is also nothing wrong with knowing sometimes you just can't. You just don't have it in you, and that's alright. You need time to rest, and you deserve to. You need this whole check to take care of your responsibilities, and that is respectable. Give yourself permission to provide for you foremost and then pride yourself in how much you are a blessing to others from that place of giving. The funny thing is, none of us truly need to worry about our survival or the survival of our loved ones, as we do not pilot this plane. Our responsibility lies in trusting we will be guided safely to where we are supposed to go and trusting the same guiding force gets those we care for to their destinations. But in those moments where we feel we have to take control, take control of you first, and then look to serve those next to you.



When your heart is in the right place, no one can blame you for taking care of yourself. We all must be self fulfilled.