I'm a 23 year old, afrocentric, spiritually inclined ball of laughter, passion, and warmth. I'm intellectual when I feel like it but most of the time I like to say what I feel or have experienced, not what I've learned. I've found I sound smarter when I speak from my feelings anyways. I'm a hopeless romantic who falls in love in mid conversation and who can predict my own demise just after the first kiss goodnight. I'm exceptionally sensitive and am growing to no longer see that as a stereotypical weakness, but a pillar of strength that makes me capable of feeling everything and still recovering in order to feel it again tomorrow. I do not know how to give up. I only know how to change directions. This scares me about myself because if given something or someone I am passionate about that is not passionate about me, my inability to walk away can and has led to self destruction and year long periods of reconstruction. I just don't have the time for that nowadays though. I can be emotional but I'm not selfish enough to be reckless with my feelings, as that would oppress those around me and I have no patience for dragging others down. I'm the "suffer in silence" type, and find a quiet satisfaction in knowing outside I look sturdy (as I am) but inside I'm quaking (as I do). I've seen ugly things, said ugly things, and behaved in ugly ways but I'm made up of beauty and return to that origin just as a phoenix rises from ash. I'm in love with nature and music and art and any other depiction of design and creativity whether by God himself or by him filtering through us. If I could explore space or the depths of the ocean I would choose the ocean as I feel the calm of water is just a step before eternal rest and I enjoy my R & R. I am aware true aging is a mental thing but have felt since 3 years old that I was an old woman replaying physical life right before I became metaphysical again. I long for children of my own and know the caliber of nurture I possess but refuse to procreate until I've found a mate with the same consciousness. I know I could do it alone, but I just don't want to. I think on how little I know quite often and find comfort in it as if I knew everything I would find this world a very dreary place. I hold my own hand sometimes because I miss my mother and get annoyed by how she is always in the front of my mind but not in front of my eyes. I think that I'm a small strand in a grand tapestry that once I've returned to expansion I hope I get a birds eye view of. I get tired but have trouble sleeping and when I do sleep I find I wake up every hour on the hour after 5am. There is not much I do not feel can't be cured by the affection of a person you love and desire and I am annoyed there is not that person in my life yet, as this equals plenty of discomfort. I am aware self fulfillment and thankfulness will set you free so I write to find the good in me and to remember where I found it at so I can congratulate myself on the accomplishment of making it these 23 years, 2 months, and 4 days without surrendering to darkness.
When you look at me you see one thing, and who in God almighty knows what that is, but if you were to wear my skin and slip into my spirit you would know what exploration of the human experience feels like when you recognize you're a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.
Every ache, pain, laugh, smile, accomplishment, victory, failure, and loss is subjective. I am on the journey to see the good in it and see that by the time I have time to analyze, it is actually time to move on.
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