This time around my name is Rachel.
It wasn’t always Rachel, but I do like the way it sounds.
Rachel...
It means something to someone, and now I guess that someone is me.
I can’t quite remember my real name,
probably because it’s not made up of your words and your letters.
The most precise way to translate it is to compare it to the sound of a heart felt promise made, the smell of a newborn baby’s skin, and the feeling of sunbeams hitting a cold surface. Now say it with me " ."
Yeah, I didn’t think you’d be able to pronounce it either.
This time...I have brown skin, and long legs, and slanted almondy eyes and these really round cheeks that people really seem to like.
And based off what is considered attractive in the community I have adapted to, I am apparently nice to look at.
A little on the tall side.
A little on the awkward side.
A little on the jiggly side, but nice to look at and especially pleasant to hold.
I am very soft.
I've gotten to do a lot of fun stuff here so far.
Little purposeful missions have been accomplished throughout these…years? That’s what you call them, right? Years?
But I think my job this time around in a nutshell is to love.
I know it to be the easiest thing to do, I mean it is my very make up, but for some reason it seems complicated to do here.
I think it’s kind of like what you’d call a riddle; something that the answer is very obvious to, but you have to find your way to it.
So that’s what I’m doing.
I am finding my way back to it.
See what’s frustrating is knowing I already know the answers but not being able to fit them in here (points to self) because I’m stuffed full of…feelings.
Apparently it is my purpose to relearn some concepts; not to run through this opportunity as some almighty know-it-all (which is exactly what I am).
See I have these feelings…that come in waves.
No one feeling lasts that long, but gracious are they distracting from remembering what I’d like to!
Some of them feel what you like to call “good”, whatever that is,
and others feel not so good; I hear you call that “feeling bad” here.
But I know each feeling serves a purpose. It teaches something.
Not all of you seem to know that though.
I’m kind of just trying to figure out when the “bad” feelings come, where do they originate from.
And so far it seems to only happen if I am doubtful of myself or the balance of things, which makes no sense to ever do or be and yet I seem to do it anyways.
Also if I think too much about what was before right now or what will happen after right now, (really trivial thoughts), I can conjure up the not so good feelings then too.
I try not to do this... but this brain of mine seems very untamed.
It feels wired as if to focus only on what I do not have or what does not feel good instead of the beauty of the opposite.
I really just became aware enough to notice this genetic flaw and have been over compensating with optimism the best I can.
It can be difficult though,
because for some reason in this human form… feeling “bad” sometimes feels “good.”
Twisted...don't you think?
I am definitely a work in progress.
I am not quite sure how long I’m going to be this type of work in this type of progress but as long as I’m here I will do my best to make it fun.
I get nervous about returning, though excited to get back to effortless existing.
Nervous to leave all the work I have invested into this flesh-like vehicle.
Excited to be entirely and completely one with all there is and not be distracted with the illusion of separation or time and space.
Excited, nervous, good, bad? See… there goes those feelings again.
Speaking of feelings…I miss my counterpart.
The one that brought me forth but has gone on before me.
Even though from what I can still sense of the nonphysical realm she is absolutely elated to have returned back and is very encouraging of my continued journey through physicality.
The thing is... most of my comfort here was found in her companionship as we found our way together, and the absence of her physically is making it difficult for me to function.
Sometimes this body of mine shuts down altogether at the illusion that’s she’s really away forever, and sometimes I feel pleased and hope to not start back up.
It is bizarre being human.
Though I know that all is well, all is as it should be, and that there is nothing that is truly tragic except not appreciating the present, I still feel… broken at times. Lately many times.
It does not feel good.
I hope to outgrow this but I am still learning what all my human capabilities are.
Others tell me time will heal me, but that does not console me as I do not fully accept your time/space reality anyways.
I think it’s kind of stupid really, but I know I only think that because I cannot remember exactly why I chose to come here.
Maybe if I could dump out some of these feelings and just remember a little bit more I could figure this out and be more satisfied instead of feeling so lost.
Do not get me wrong, though. Being given the opportunity to be here and learn with you is incredible.
I do not take it for granted, not at all.
I just wish we could incorporate more concepts from the truth of our origin instead of making up a lot of the nonsense we do.
I can tell you one thing, the reason why this “struggle” I hear you speak of so often is so prevalent is because you give it spoken power.
You idolize and take some type of backwards pride in it, instead of having an understanding that there is enough of what every single existence needs to be happy and prosperous right here. Right now.
Your greatest resource is your relationship with the greater part of yourself, because as you appreciate it and converse with it on things you'd like to have, it will provide them.
There is never any true lack of anything because there is always perfect balance.
There is no drought.
There are no recessions.
There is no war.
They are made-up pons in your attempt to act out some strange game of good and evil.
There is no truth to them though, and you would see that the second you accepted that judgments of what’s good and what’s bad, what’s fair and what’s unfair, do you no good.
They give you a false sense of security.
They give you no protection.
I can feel you resonate with what I’m saying, though it makes you uncomfortable to think in this way.
It’s been a long time since you’ve remembered some of these things… I get it.
Thinking of them now will feel distorted and upsetting at first, but don’t get bothered by it.
If you could overcome fitting everything you were into a frame with only 5 senses, 2 legs, 2 arms, and 1 brain…you can learn to transcend your frame and grow back into everything.
But I’m sorry for getting ahead of myself… What was your question again?
Oh, right… Who am I?
Well
I am… that I am.
But for this present moment, you can call me Rachel.
